I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Randomize
