New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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