Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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