My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
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