my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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