Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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