i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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