I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
