If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
