Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
