i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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