Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
