I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
