I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
