did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
