Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
3pm strippers are depressing
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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