Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
