Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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