Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
