We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
