if we break up, who will get the dealer?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
