i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
