Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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