I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
