My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
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