I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
