my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
