my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
