While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
