I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
did i just pee glitter
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
