it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
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