I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
