its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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