the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
that is very illegal...i love you.
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