i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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