Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
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i drank out of a bidet.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
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My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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