she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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