Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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