history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
