I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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