i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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