i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
