I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
