oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
