So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
