I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Randomize
