now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
