An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
