My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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