He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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