i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
