I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
They have beer where we have blood.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
