This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
