i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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