From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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