So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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