Moan for me like Helen Keller
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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