I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
