now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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