What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
