i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
